Pink Asparagus

immaterial
that Palin is a woman
scary politics

working mom, so what
Palin does not speak to me
she is not like me

poor Bristol Palin
like this was not hard enough
whole country watches

maybe if her mom
believed in sex ed, not just
abstinence only

there’d be no baby
no teenage shotgun wedding
they are statistics

judge Sarah Palin
by her actions and her words
not on her gender

check Politifact
for non-partisan review
of candidate’s words

MOMocrats opine
they “rage against the McCain”
read them, they are smart

register to vote
we may not agree, but please
exercise your right

edited: added a link to Shauna’s blog, I’m a bad, bad monkey today - sorry!

If this weren’t the Internet I would totally be skeeved out by your stalker tendencies. But since this is a blog, I guess I want you to stalk read me. So, welcome. It’s interview day! Yay. Today’s victim participant is a humor blogger and AUTHOR. And not of a book that she printed off at Kinko’s and made the cover art for each and every one individually. A real live book. And I know it to be true because I have an autographed copy. Neener.

Oh yeah, back to building a community and not teasing.

I met Shauna at BlogHer ‘08. She’s a little spitfire of Southern. Well, Texas Southern, not Deep-South Southern. And Ft. Worth at that. So, she’ll tell you to your face and not follow it up with, “bless your heart.” She’s wicked funny and so would have gotten my ass busted in school if we has sat next to each other.

My review of her debut novel, Heaping Spoonful, is here.

Would you classify your online existence as transparent or compartmentalized? Why? Is it by design or just the evolution of your actual life?

I would say both, transparent and compartmentalized.  The part of my life I share is completely transparent, but the other part of my life I keep to myself.  I do this because there are parts of my actual life that are complicated and it benefits me to keep my trap shut.  I’m sure there’s already a bounty on my head.  I’m just trying to keep the ante from going up.

Who are you in real life?

What a loaded question.  Who am I?–really?  First I’m a mom.  Sometimes I don’t want to be.  There are days I fantasize about having the house to myself–no kids, no husband–just me and a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle and a bottle of Pinot Grigio.  Pfft. That will never happen.  I can’t PAY these people to leave.  Secondly, I’m a writer.  God I love writing.  It’s such an outlet for me.  I think it’s the only thing that’s kept me from going into the post office with a gun.  Well, that and the fact that I loathe going to the post office–could that line BE any longer?–AND I don’t have a gun.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I have a glue gun.  But something tells me a glue gun would be less effective…unless it was plugged in.  Now that’s a different story.

What’s an ideal day for you look like?

Did you just hear me say no kids, no husband, only a puzzle and a bottle of wine?  If that’s not available, I like to run (7 miles usually), have lunch with a good friend and then get a pedicure–ooh, or go to the movies by myself.  That way I can eat a hot dog AND nachos without anyone judging me.

What do you blog about?

Everything.  My husband’s annoying tics, my aging grandmother who can’t hear, my 3 three year old son’s obsession with wearing the same shirt every day, all things penis and vagina–you name it.

When did you begin blogging?

I started a blog in June of 2007, right after I came back from an agents and editors conference in Austin.

What does blogging do for you?

It lets me say the things I’m too chicken shit to say outloud.  Again, cheaper than therapy and WAY more attractive on me than an orange jumpsuit and plastic shoes.

Do your day-to-day in-person friends read you? If not, why not? If so, do they say much to you about it?

I noticed after I began blogging my phone rang less and less.  When I call my friends to say, “what’s up? I haven’t talked to you in forever,” they always reply, “I know what’s going on with you…l read your blog.”  I say, “well, that’s only one side of the story.”  I miss hearing about what’s going on with my friends.  I make an effort to check in a few times a week SINCE NONE OF THEM CALL ME ANYMORE!  But other than that, they never seemed shocked by what they read.  They know me.  And the blog is an exaggerated version of me.  Like me on crack and Red Bull.

Have you ever taken down a post? If yes, without divulging your inner-most secret, can you say why?

I took down a post about six months ago.  I pissed off a whole gaggle of women in Fort Worth who wanted me dead and I thought, “Wow, I’m too young to die.”  A few days later, I was so pissed that I did that.  If I could go back, I wouldn’t have taken it down.

Do you check your stats? If so, what are you looking for?

Hell yeah I check my stats.  I want to grow my audience.  I’m not doing this for shits and giggles.  I hope to have a long career in writing and SELLING books.  I’m constantly thinking of ways to get more readers.  Anybody want to see my boobs?

If you could make one rule for the Internet what would it be?

That you can’t post anonymously.  Own your words, people!  Oh, and that you can’t be on the Internet with your clothes on.  You have to be completely nude while surfing the net.  So you could say I’m pro-naked surfing.  In fact, I’m not wearing any clothes as we speak.

What do you think your blog will be like in 5 years?

Do you think the Internet will still be around in five years?  It seems like a passing fancy to me.

What do you hope others get from your blog?

I want people to laugh.  Not only do I want them to laugh, but I want them to be ok with themselves.  We’re all idiots just trying to make it through the day without completely fucking up our lives and our kids lives.  I wish people wouldn’t take themselves so seriously.  So I’ve made it my mission to entertain the seriousness out of them.  (Wait. Is seriousness a word?  Suddenly, I’m having a brain fart). Maybe I should put my clothes back on.

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Thank you Shauna for starting out my day with a laugh. Now I have to go put my pants on. Everyone else, head on over to Shauna’s for some great reading (unless you’re related to me through marriage, then please don’t - everyone else, go!)

Last night I started reading James and the Giant Peach to Elliot. While he was gloating to his sister that he gets a big-kid book read every night he called it Jack and the Large … Mango. Toe May Toe, Toe Mah Toe - I suppose.

On other fronts: Palin. What the hell? Was she vetted? Did no one else want the job? I hate to find joy in other people’s misery, but - good job McCain! Awesome choice. For a campaign that mocked the celebrity of Obama I find it deliciously rich that Palin is on gawker.

Go read MOMocrats, they’ll keep you informed. With real information, not the rantings of a woman reading Jack and the Large Mango.

Hat tip: It’s Always Darkest Before I Open My Eyes for the video

Yesterday I spent my Labor Day holiday laboring. Not in the giving birth sense, but in the doing actual work around the house sense. I was re-organizing some storage in the basement and found MY Cabbage Patch Doll. I don’t know her name. I’m not sure I ever did. I have no idea what the white shit is on her face either. I think it’s a mar in the plastic that conventional soap and water couldn’t remove. But that was in the 80s! I’ll have to take a magic eraser to her face. In the same box was my Raggedy Ann, or as Audrey calls her “ragged N”.

Audrey wanted to play with my dolly, and I let her for 3.2 seconds. After that I was sure she’s lose her shoes or hair bows or gah, I don’t even know what I feared for her. She hasn’t survived this long intact to be loved on by a three-year old. Thankfully Audrey wanted nothing to do with Ann. Her yarn hair and threadbare dress can’t handle too much love.

My aunts stood in line and paid some ungodly amount of money getting Cabbage Patch dolls for my female cousins and me. I loved her. I still love that they took the extra effort to get a redheaded one for me.

I was the only redhead I knew growing up. And except for my immediate family, I was the only one I knew with freckles. Granted my elementary school was 98% Hispanic. Having red hair is special. But when you’re mercilessly teased for it and your freckles, it feels more like a curse. I hope Audrey never hates her beautiful hair and freckles. Fortunately, I see lots of cutie pie gingers running around these days.

(l-r) Audrey’s Raggedy Ann c. 2006, Audrey’s Cabbage Patch Doll c. Sunday,
my Cabbage Patch Doll c. 1983, my Raggedy Ann c. 1974

It’s fun for me that Audrey is enjoying the same toys I remember from my childhood.

Once upon a time I went to San Francisco and met a spit-fire of an author. She asked if I would review her book on my site. I maintained my composure and said, “sure - send me a copy.” Right after that I called all my friends everyone in the entire universe my husband and told him how I had just gotten FREE stuff and AN AUTHOR wants me to review her book.

But then I sucked.

I read the amazing, awesome book and I did not tell any of you. See previous paragraph re: suckage.

I think the book deserves better than I can do. I’ll give it the ol’ college try though.

Shauna Glenn’s debut novel Heaping Spoonful is a wonderful, heart-felt read. I couldn’t put it down. I think I missed dinner and the children tucked themselves in. I can’t be sure, I was curled up on the couch reading.

The writing is smooth and easy. Easy like Sunday morning, a friend would say. Claire’s internal dialogue sounds like that of me and my friends:

My mom had been right - I needed to get my shit together - if for no other reason than so my kids wouldn’t grow up to be serial killers.

How many of us have thought something similar?

Protagonist Claire is an every-woman. She’s a single mom (not by choice, her husband died), a boss (owns her own bakery), a sister and a daughter. She’s pulled in every direction imaginable. It’s easy to relate with her. And Shauna makes her so likable. Even when she’s making poor choices, she’s likable. You feel her struggle, that really she’s confused and doing the best she can with the hand she’s been dealt. You can’t begrudge her one bit.

I think Claire speaks to a generation of woman that are trying to do it all. She runs a successful business. She begins dating. She loses her mother a little each day to Alzheimer’s. Her kids are in school. And somehow, in the midst of all this external activity - she’s still mourning her husband. She’s not leading a gilded life. She’s leading an ordinary life, with extraordinary pressures. Just like you and me. Well, except she owns a bakery so she could console herself with an entire chocolate cake pretty easily. That’s a good point that I’ll have to take up with Shauna. Maybe Claire’s on the points?

Claire’s story is about moving forward. She’s not starting fresh, it’s not like she’s hiding the kids in the cupboard while dating. She redefines her relationship with her sister, giving Lucy the space she needs to be Lucy and not mini-Claire. She reconnects with her mother through the Alzheimer’s fog. Claire most definitely pulls her self up by her bootstraps. She struggles. Again. And again. But eventually she finds her rhythm and in that her new life.

There are fantastic reviews on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Except for one where the poster basically called Claire a hussy, disregard that one - I don’t think she read the same book I did.

If you live in the DFW area, I highly recommend going to the launch party for this fantastic debut novel (Shauna will correct me on this matter, this is her third novel - just the first that someone had the good sense to publish, therefore the first that we’re able to read). Meeting Shauna is definitely worth your time. Saturday, Sept 27 at 7pm; 1020 Magnolia in Ft Worth. Send your RSVP here or check Shauna’s site for more information.

Today Audrey turns three. She’s a big girl and I want to cry. At least when Elliot turned three I still had a baby to snuggle. And now? Now there are no babies in this house.

When both kids were babies I took their pictures with the same bear on their monthly birthdays. After they turned one, I stopped except on their birthdays. It was a fun way to measure their growth.

Audrey at 1 month, one year and two years

Audrey is a good, funny kid. Sassy as all get out. She has a cute little personality (although I think she knows this and might be tempted to use her power for evil, not good). Most nights she hugs me so tight and says that she’s going to keep me all night. A better parent than I might think it’s a stalling technique, I think it’s pure love.

I wish I was more eloquent, then I could say something more than: she’s good! she’s smart! she’s potty-trained! she’s mine! But, alas, I am not. So there.

Her favorite gift? The red-headed Cabbage Patch baby that Grandma & Grandpa sent. I had, for a brief moment, considered giving her mine since she already has my Strawberry Shortcake dolls (not the poseable dolls - are you insane? those are mine choking hazards). I just couldn’t do it. She had to get her own.

Some people use their blogs as a space to rant, some to boast about their kids (ahem) and some to just make the world a more sun-shiny place. But then we fall into niches. Our blogs aren’t just for ourselves anymore. We don’t necessarily know who’ll read. And sometimes, we need to vent about someone we know reads us. I’ve offered up my bit o’blogosphere for one such person.
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Thank you to HBM for hosting this event.

Five years ago my daughter then 20 and a junior in college announced she was pregnant. The plan at the time was she and her boyfriend were going to get married after the baby was born. Something I didn’t understand.

She and the boyfriend broke up and got back together several times before they finally called it quits. Before they broke up for the final time they had moved out of my house. The baby stayed with them for one night. Then he was brought back to me because they had a fight and needed to work a few things out. He has been with me ever since.

My daughter has a good job lives in a nice apartment and there is no reason she cannot raise this child herself. She chooses not too. She loves her son but she doesn’t want to give up her lifestyle. She loves to party and spend time with her sorority sisters. She has managed to portray to them that she is a struggling single Mom and I’m just a babysitter.

Five months ago my 22 year old son passed away. He had a degenerative brain disorder and lived longer than we expected but it still has been hard.

Since then I have had a harder time dealing with my daughter. I cannot understand why she does not want to spend time with her son. She kept him last night and called me and told me that his speech is getting worse. He is in speech therapy and everyone else thinks it is getting better. There have been several instances where she has tried to find something wrong with him.

He is very healthy. I cannot understand why you would borrow trouble. She says that she wants him to live with her but makes no effort. Since Jan she has only kept him 26 times overnight. She rarely spends the weekends with him because she has plans with her friends. For instance I asked her to keep him tonight. She said yes but has canceled because her friends want to go out.

I love this boy with all my heart and will be devastated if he ever goes back to her but I know that she is his mother and that may be best for him. He is now 4 and he does fight staying with her which I hate because I want them to have a strong relationship no matter where he lives.

Thank you for listening to me.

Thanks to Mr. Lady and Lijit and Cre8Buzz and a whole lotta others, there were too many Denver-area bloggers packed into one tiny room at Enoteca last night to watch Obama’s amazing acceptance speech. It was great, energizing fun. I’m sure I have more to say about this but I’m off to fulfill a bribe reward and then take the kids to see Dr Seuss for President Art Exhibit.

Am I your Thursday morning addiction? Awesome! Welcome back. Repeat business is so much cheaper to get than new. If you’ve just come across Pink Asparagus or you’re here because you’re really a Functional Shmunctional fan (and really? who isn’t), glad to see you. Kick up your feet and stay awhile. You can read the entire interview series here.

Grandy has graciously agreed to participate in my social experiment. Although, when I first approached her she wondered if I was going to ask her to cross the street blind-folded. I am unsure what that says about both of us, maybe it’ll be the basis of a thesis for some psych student.

Recently an Olympic survey meme identified her as a boxer

You are assertive, strong, and downright aggressive. You have the power to demolish your opponent…And you have the endurance to make sure the job is finished.

Which is fitting since she’s pledged to raise awareness about cancer.

Everyone, this is Grandy … Grandy, this is uhm, like four new readers.

Thanks so much for having me, I’m thrilled you invited me!  Can I just say that asparagus has always been one of my favorite vegetables?  And I truly don’t mean that in a suck-up “thank the academy” kind of way either.

Would you classify your online existence as transparent or compartmentalized? Why? Is it by design or just the evolution of your actual life?

Wow…starting with a tough one.  I would have to answer this as definitely transparent.  What you see is what you get with Grandy (even if you can’t see her).  I’m just that way by nature.  Sometimes it can be a bad thing because I just.can’t.filter.  I can’t even compartmentalize my tag lines on my posts, try to imagine how I organize my household.   NOT!

Who are you in real life?

I’m a working mom-a-holic.  I go-go-go and try my darndest to play by the rules.  After I do that for a while I hit a wall, throw in the towel, and start the race all over again…usually by Monday.

What’s an ideal day for you look like?

<s>Sunday</s> Can you tell I’m trying to omit my sarcasm?  It’s not an easy thing for me.  Remember the filter comment above?  An ideal day…is one where I can sleep in, hang with my boys, and get some blogging time in.  What a great day!!

What do you blog about?

Whatever moves me.  I try not to make my blog about particulars like, “It’s 6:42 am, and the weather is a glorius at 87.3 degrees.”  I’m not saying that people who blog about those day to day things aren’t worth reading, because I quite often will follow some.  It’s just not my style.

Where do you find post inspiration?

<s>Under my bed</s> EVERYWHERE!  It’s not all about my family, but I work my friends in, or just random thing about someone at the doctor’s office.

When did you begin blogging?

October 2007 I stumbled upon the blog of a friend of mine from college.  I was FASCINATED at the fact that I could have an online journal.  I never really expected anyone to read it.  I started it that day.

What does blogging do for you?

It’s my stress relief, my escape, my fun.  It’s quite a rush for me to see who has stopped by, and what they have to say.  I LOVE COMMENTS!!  Oh yeah…and it helps me remember what day of the week it is.  I don’t participate in Wordless Wednesdays, or Thursday Thirteens, but it’s very helpful to read those.  :)

You’re a member of the League of Extraordinary Wives - what’s that about? Or is it too secret to divulge?

Are you ready for this?  It’s a group of women who actually like their husbands.  It’s a novel idea, I know, and one that I realize is not completely lost on so many blogging wives.  It’s a healthy take on married life that I think sometimes is lost in the day to day real world.

Do your day-to-day in-person friends read you? If not, why not? If so, do they say much to you about it?

Some do.  It’s funny when I’m telling them a story and they say, “Yeah, I know, I read your blog.”  Huh?  Oh yeah…you did.  Some even leave comments sometimes.  My son reads my blog…maybe that’s why I don’t share naughty secrets?  :)

Have you ever taken down a post? If yes, without divulging your inner-most secret, can you say why?

I haven’t done that yet but I don’t think of my site as an airing of dirty laundry for all my personal issues.  I wouldn’t write anything about anyone that I’m not prepared to say to them (or haven’t said already).

Do you check your stats? If so, what are you looking for?

I do sometimes check my stats.  But it’s kinda like stepping on the scale, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to expect.  I’m excited if it looks like I was close to getting 100 visitors that day.  That’s the only stat I know how to check.

If you could make one rule for the Internet what would it be?

Same rule for the off-line world…RESPECT

What do you think your blog will be like in 5 years?

I would love to still have readers in 5 years.  Is that a lofty plan?  Maybe I’ll learn how to do all the widget, html, techno-babble by then, or at least I’ll have hired someone to know how to do that for me by then.

What do you wish I asked? Ask and answer: What do you hope your blog does for others?

Make them laugh, cry, pee…whatever it takes to make their day.

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Thanks Grandy, I really appreciate you taking your time to contribute to my blog. Everyone else, come back next Thursday for another stirring rendition of PenPals!

Yep, camping. In the dirt.